• counting calories = crazy
• judging yourself in any way about your weight = crazy
• weighing yourself more than twice a month = crazy
• over-exercising to “balance out” your eating = crazy
• obsessively measuring foods = crazy
• pre-planning every bite you take and never straying, even if you’re hungry = crazy
• not listening to what your body is telling you = crazy
• thinking your fat until you believe it = crazy
• forgetting about those that love you the way you are = crazy
• setting a numerical limit on how much food you’ll eat = crazy
• feeling like a failure because of what you ate = crazy
• feeling worthless if you don’t strictly follow your plan = crazy
• not treating yourself = crazy
• feeling like you HAVE to exercise = crazy
• not absolutely loving everything about yourself, because what you are is what you are, and looks don’t matter = crazy
• FOCUSING ON LOOKS INSTEAD OF HEALTH = crazy

If you are always trying to look a certain way, you will NEVER be healthy. You can pretend you are, pretend that you’re doing it for the health, for the fitness, but really, all you want is to be the next Megan Fox out running in a sports bra and spandex. Not healthy.

You can be healthy at any weight. It’s when your own expectations and your own critical judgements come into play that the numbers start to haunt you. I’ve been looking on blogs like the Undressed Skeleton, and as much as I applaud her, I do not like her blog. The problem with the internet is that everyone can see it- even people like me. Eating disorder victims. People who will look at those pictures of her, weighing 113 pounds, and think: That’s what I need to look like. I SHOULD look like that. Don’t should on yourself. You don’t need to weigh that much, or have arms that thin or a stomach that flat to be HEALTHY and LOVED. 

First of all, I hate grapefruit. Why the hell you would want to eat half of that sour mess for breakfast is beyond me. And, never, EVER call a food bad in your head. Don’t think: chocolate, that’s bad. I shouldn’t have cake, that’s bad. Don’t use butter, that’s bad.

Bad bad bad.

Negative negative negative.

NO food is “bad.” All foods are perfectly fine for your body, as long as you eat them in moderation. And STOP, for gods sake, counting calories. Instead, look at serving sizes. Look at calcium, protein, and fiber amounts. Find out what you need of THOSE in a day and focus on that, not on calories.

Some people need to start eating mechanically before anything else. When I started my meal plan, I never knew if I was hungry or not. I had starved myself so long I couldn’t even feel my stomach, I never felt pangs of hunger… by body had long since accustomed itself to doing without. Consequently, when I started following my food plan, I could barely finish a meal. It felt like so much food.  For my first breakfast I had two slices of bread with Smartbalance butter, a fat-free yogurt and a glass of orange juice. I thought my stomach was going to explode. I also hadn’t run that morning, and haven’t since. Before I’d run in the mornings and either skip breakfast or at most have one small thing.

I was destroying myself.

Now? I hardly even glance at caloric amounts. In fact, I never do. And, I stopped running until I can feel balanced enough to start again, and you know what? I haven’t gained weight. I found with balanced meals and intuitive eating, I was absolutely fine. I’ve weighed the same weight, give or take two pounds, throughout this entire ordeal. Running, starving myself, bingeing, purging and cutting made me miserable and now I weigh the same (I’m not ever going to say numbers, because I don’t want it to become some ED victims goal weight). Now I write and listen to music, eat balanced meals without even thinking about calories, focus on “two starchs, one dairy, one fruit and three veggies” instead of “200 calories for this, 140 calories for that…”

It’s amazing. Relaxing. Wonderful.

And imagine this: everyone loves me as much as they always did, even more so now that I’m fighting against my self-destructive habits. They are proud of me, they support me, and they remind me every day how beautiful I am the WAY I am.

Don’t let images of others control your actions. Don’t “should” yourself into a hellhole. Don’t lose sight of what’s truly important to you. Don’t let numbers choke you. Don’t become so wrapped up in your image that it becomes you, and you get lost inside your own bag of bones.

Your body is your temple, and the only one you’ll ever get. Treat it as such.