To be honest, I was never really sure what he wanted me to think. One moment he’d be taking the bag of trail mix away from me after ‘one handful too many,’ the next he’d be dropping off a huge bag full of Hershey’s kisses on our doorstep. He’d tell me I was beautiful, then casually comment that liposuction was an easy and affordable option if I was that uncomfortable with the way I looked. I don’t think he ever understood that bulimia nervosa started in the heart- not in the mirror. Maybe that was because, deep down, he knows that he was a guiding force. I don’t want to believe that he would be so blinded to the reality of the damage he was capable of inflicting on my self-esteem that he could not believe his relationship with me was part of the reason why… His ignorance, though, was one of the factors in my forgiveness, so it’s actually almost a blessing- if I had believed he knew every ounce of the distortion he taught me and still treated me the way he did, I might never have wanted to see him again.

To be continued.